One of the single most memorable moments I’ve ever had was when I went to my boss, highly stressed and seeking advice.
At the time I was working 2 jobs and was overwhelmed and stressed. Earlier that year, I’d had the one job and things had built up over time for many reasons causing me to successfully advocate to reduce my days to 4 days per week to better manage my health and my stress. I’d lasted at that for only a couple of months before taking on another work opportunity that had arisen because well, I was a pretty driven workaholic, who didn’t really know what to do on that day off without work and probably got most of my self worth and value out of working! Whilst taking on the new 2nd job had been fantastic in many ways it was also an incredibly stressful role, that was probably not a great fit for me and had a challenging work culture. My mental health was suffering and I was experiencing significant depression and anxiety. I was also struggling with trying to start a family, unsuccessfully at that point in time. So there was a lot going on in my life!
At the time, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do about work. I didn’t think I could keep doing the 2 jobs but I didn’t know which one to leave. I felt like I had so many people pulling me in different directions. I had thoughts about money and maternity leave provisions. I had thoughts about my career and building that. I enjoyed the growth and challenge and developing new approaches in one job. I liked the team and the client work of the other job. One job had billable hours and you could work from home. One job had a high degree of autonomy and trust. They both had people who highly valued me and seemed to like me. I was good at both of the jobs. I felt I had obligations and responsibilities and commitments and pressures at both. Two workplaces. Both good. Both wanting me. But too much. [And yes, I 100% hear entirely how privileged I sound and I acknowledge I was/am privileged].
At the time, I was really in my head about this decision. It absorbed my every waking moment. What should I do? Which job should I choose? I wrote on Facebook asking people should I choose my head or my heart? [I know; vague post and absolutely insufferable. I was/am].
I Googled “ how to make decisions?” and did pros and cons lists with minimal outcome. And because I can tend towards arrogance, I would think “What am I meant to do?” like there was some immense existential question about the morally correct thing to do with my work life? I’m not saying there is no spiritual element to work but only what was amplified in my head at the time was this view that I was uniquely qualified to do this 1 special thing but I didn’t know what it was and I was worried therefore that I could make a poor choice which would mean I didn’t deliver on what it was that I was “meant” to do. I had these self imposed pressures and felt a sort of moral obligation to use my gifts appropriately. And I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I should do. I was really stuck with this decision and in this situation.
And so I met with my boss. I’m not sure entirely what I wanted out of the meeting aside from probably just wanting to share my burden and I think with a vague hope that she would tell me what to do. Maybe she would tell me what she would do in my position? Maybe she would have a magical solution I hadn’t thought of?!
Well, that wasn’t exactly the case… at least not at the time… or so I thought!
But what she did say was something like this “Nicole, you have many gifts and you will have many opportunities in your life. What do you want to do?”
That question was such a massive turning point for me because it was the first time I’d ever been given permission to ask myself that question.
What did I WANT to do?
Not what should I do or what was I meant to do? What do I want to do?
I don’t know that this really helped me that much at the time. I was highly emotional and highly strung at the time and I suspect I was, internally at least, not terribly grateful. To be honest, I don’t even know that I actually understood the question fully. But she’d given me permission to ask this question. She’d given me permission to consider what I wanted. And that was actually super powerful.
You see, I think that a lot of our doing in life comes from our habits and patterns, our expectations and obligations. We do things that we are “supposed to do”. Things that we’re expected to do. And things we don’t want to do. All. The. Time. It’s almost like the curse of adulthood and growing up. Like we have to do “grown up”, boring, things because it’s just what you do. No one really wants to vacuum or do the dishes but we do them because that’s life, that’s what you have to do. And I’m not saying that we shouldn’t or that these things aren’t important or valuable. I might not want to clean my teeth but cleaning my teeth is obviously necessary to take care of them properly and that means I don’t get cavities or lose my teeth or dental pain (which means I don’t have to visit the dentist- which I really don’t want to do). And it means I get to keep my teeth in good condition which I do want. So I do things I don’t want to get something I do want. As adults, we know this and understand this; that’s there’s consequences for particular actions or inaction and we get to make decisions. It’s much much harder to explain this to children. It’s really not obvious to them and I have these conversations with them all the time!
“I don’t want to go to school”
“I know darling but you have to go to school. There are some things that we all just have to do and school is one of them for you. The government says that all kids have to do schooling and I know it’s hard to see and understand that now but it’s really important for kids to learn all the things they’re teaching you and to learn and play with other kids”
“I don’t want to pick up my LEGO from the floor”
“I know darling but if you leave it on the floor then the dogs might accidentally ruin your creation when they try to get to their water bowl… or Mummy might step on a piece accidentally and hurt herself”
“I don’t want to eat dinner, I want to play!”
“I know darling but it’s dinnertime and you’ll be hungry later but it will be too late to eat so we need to eat now”
“I don’t want to go to bed”
“I know darling but you have to go to bed because you’re so tired. And you need your sleep so you can have enough energy to play tomorrow”
[Note: I realise, I sound lovely and rational here. Please know that these conversations are not always as calm as this! Also- who doesn’t want to eat dinner or go to bed?!]
I do get really exasperated sometimes. Because I’m often thinking that I totally understand! I don’t want to be telling them these things. I don’t even want to parent some days. I don’t want to be a grown up or be boring. I don’t want to go to work either sometimes! I don’t want to do my marking! I want to have fun too. And I want them to have what they want. But as a parent and adult, I know the reasons what I do the things I don’t want to do. And I make myself do things I don’t want to do all the time. Because I know ultimately why I’m doing the things that I’m doing…
But… But sometimes life gets pretty full of a whole lot of things we don’t want. A whole lot of obligations and expectations and accumulations of habits and patterns of doing and living that can feel like more of a grind and burden that you ever expected. And it gets to be a lot to carry around.
Maybe you’re doing all the things. All the time. All the shoulds. But what if you’re not happy? What if there’s a niggle inside? What if you actually long for things to be different?
And then maybe you’ll have a decision to make. What should you do? What could you do? What are the options? And then… What do you want to do? Because you’re allowed to ask that question. You’re allowed to consider what you want.
Can you give yourself permission to ask and to answer that question? And to see where it goes?
For me, that question was everything and I’d never, in 34 years of life at the time, even thought to ask it or thought I was allowed to. And it opened up a lot for me in my life.
And it still does. I certainly still do alot of things I have to do or need to do or should do but I try hard to keep thinking about and asking myself what I want to do. So that there’s at least another option on the table. So that I keep giving myself the chance to prioritise myself and to do things that I really do want to do and to say no to things that are not serving me well. It helps me remember that I have choices and options and reminds me that I dont have to be or stay stuck. There can be a life that involves the things I want to do and that it doesn’t make me selfish to consider this- because I dont actually have to work myself in to the ground or deny myself pleasure or relaxation or good mental health to make a difference in the world or do meaningful work. I can do what I enjoy doing, what I’m good at doing, what gives me and others value but is also work that I want to do.
Reach out and let me know if this connects with you. If it’s in your work world, I’m happy to help ask the question and explore the answers with you to get you closer to work you want to do because I believe that’s where the magic happens; in the work that lights you up. Because you’re allowed to do work you want to do.
So what do you want to do? And what do you need to do to make that happen?!
P.S. I actually also find this a really powerful question to ask my clients. What do they want in their life? What do they want out of OT? What do they want to be different in their life? Giving permission to clients to consider this is also really powerful!
