Self love is a superpower!

Have you ever had a picture up on the wall that you really liked but it just wasn’t quite perfect? Something was a little off? Or something that you made or created that you were really proud of but it wasn’t perfect?

How do you feel when you look at those items/those objects? Do you look at them and love them, in spite of the blemish and imperfection? Do you wish the imperfection wasn’t there? Is your eye drawn to that flaw?

For me, being totally honest, most of the time, these imperfections bother me. Like really bother me. I adore my wedding photo on our wall. Except for the fact that I can see that I’m wearing my flats, not my fancy high heeled wedding shoes. Which I’d taken off because those gorgeous shoes were killing my feet! And it’s fine that I took them off, I was comfortable. But I’d kind of wanted that to be my secret. Because you see the “perfect” bride (in my head) would wear heels. So this means that, for me, this wedding photo just isn’t quite perfect because it shows a less than perfect bride. Even though the photo is gorgeous (if I do say so myself), I cant unsee this flaw.  

Because I really struggle with imperfection. I am and have been working on this, for years. And look, I think if there’s anything that parenting has taught me, it’s about letting go of “perfect” and accepting “good enough” . But I do still find this really really hard.

I’ve worked on, with a coach and then again with a mentor, noticing and observing imperfections and trying to retrain myself to see these. To become comfortable with them. To see the flaws and faults and to still see the value and beauty in things even when they’re not perfect.

However, I’ve been thinking lately about what if we went beyond this? Beyond sitting with imperfection or being OK with it… and moved towards loving it with and even because of the imperfections and not just in spite of them. And what if we could do that for ourselves, with our own flaws and faults?

I know for me I definitely beat myself up for mistakes and errors. I can be absolutely brutal to myself. I’ve made some doozy mistakes and I have absolutely hated on myself for these. And cognitively, I’ve reminded myself over and over “Oh I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes”. And I’ve been terribly rational and known that it is impossible to be perfect and unrealistic to expect that of myself. And I’ve known that mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth. I have “Progress Not Perfection” written on a Post It note on my desk. Because I do believe that.

Well… sort of…

You see, I think ultimately I have still actually wanted to be perfect. To not make mistakes. I’ve still hated it when I’ve made a mistake or not done something well or something right. I’ve still actively tried not to  mess things up. I’ve still devoted a lot of time and effort to getting things just right, to aiming for and attaining perfection.

But I’m wondering, what if I could move in to a different space with that all together? Because being “OK” with mistakes but still judging ourselves for them isn’t really self acceptance. What if I could actually give myself permission to not be perfect. To make mistakes. To be a mess.

And what if I could allow myself to celebrate, like and even love myself with all the flaws, imperfections and mistakes that I make?

Could I go beyond loving Nicole but hating her mistakes? Or loving Nicole but not when she procrastinates? Or loving Nicole but hating stressed Nicole?

Because the things is, I strongly suspect that many of the things that I see as flaws, imperfections and mistakes are actually also things that kind of make me special in my own way and are offset by my strengths and my gifts.

I do procrastinate and put difficult things off.

I can focus on really hard things and deliver a 30 page report in a day.

I get bored easily and like changing things.

I am flexible, innovative, creative and driven to improve things.

I have small children and a lot going on in my life.

I shoulder a lot of commitments and responsibilities; I am an expert at being flexible, prioritising and juggling many different things!  

I don’t have it all together all the time.

I’m an awesome Mum and a great OT.

I think that loving ourselves with our imperfections is actually really important. I think it lets us be real. To not hide or duck or weave or obfuscate. It helps us take responsibility and own our mistakes so that if it’s something we want to work on or change, we can rather than being defensive or ashamed. I think it helps us be brave and try things; because if we’re worried about perfect, we might miss even giving something a go. If we beat ourselves up for mistakes, then we will be too scared to make them. Perfectionism feeds in to imposter syndrome as we focus on other people’s “perfect”, their good features and their successes, but overly focus on our challenges, difficulties and flaws. This can make us feel like everyone else has it together but we don’t. Or cause us to doubt ourselves, our strengths and our success because we don’t feel like it’s enough unless it’s perfect. Mostly I also think it’s just actually really exhausting trying to be perfect!

One of my favourite children’s books is called Beautiful Oops. It’s a gorgeous and interactive book which talks about when you make a mistake, it can be “an opportunity to make something beautiful”.

I’m trying really hard to believe that not only can I make something beautiful out of a mistake but also maybe that I am beautiful with and even because of my imperfections and flaws and the mistakes that I make. It doesn’t make me complacent or lazy or mean I cant change or do better; it means I can grow and learn from a place of self-love, self-compassion and kindness.

Loving my whole imperfect self is actually kind of a superpower! Its just one I’m still learning to use!

And I reckon that if we could all be a little more kind to ourselves and give ourselves the kind of compassion we give others, then we would be better parents, therapists, workers and colleagues. There’s research that suggests that self-compassion builds reslience, improves our mental and physical health and simply, can help us feel more happy, more often (see the works of Kristen Neff as a start).

If this resonates with you and you want to work on valuing yourself and your gifts, reach out. I can link you with supports that can help you explore self compassion and I personally work with OTs for mentoring and supervision which includes working from a strengths based approach. Brene Brown has written “The Gifts of Imperfection” which is a great book and a great start; but sometimes, I think we need help from others to truly work out how this looks in practice!