So first blog of the year. Not the first time I’ve thought about it but the first time I’ve sat down to actually write some thoughts out. It’s been a difficult start to the year for me and the reason is what I’m writing about today which is… boundaries.
Boundaries. You know, those really important limits that you set for yourself that support our well-being.
And that I’m really crap at setting and implementing.
I hate that I know information cognitively in my head and have done work over the years in identifying unhelpful thoughts and patterns that show up in my life and contribute to stress and burnout… And I have so much knowledge and awareness of some of these things and know how helpful they are (to the point where I teach the importance of setting boundaries as part of my burnout course) and yet… I am still rubbish (at times) at setting and following through on some things… and boundaries is one of these for me.
So for me, this year, I did not set clear boundaries for my work or home holiday period. I had a myriad of thoughts about what I wanted January to look like and I knew I needed a break but I also needed cash flow from a work perspective. I wanted and needed to catch up on things from 2023 (a lot of reports!) and make plans for 2024. I knew I wanted to be more intentional about 2024. I have some big events on this year and I wanted to plan my work life around these rather than crashing through the year and putting myself under pressure or stress to do things at the last minute. I also wanted to spend time with my family in the school holidays and I knew my husband had things he wanted to do; and I didn’t want him to have all of his time consumed with our children or he couldn’t achieve his own goals. And with all of these competing plans and ideas and intentions, I sort of just kind of “winged it”. I didn’t set clear boundaries with clients or referrers about my availability or timelines. I didn’t set clear boundaries about when I was or wasn’t working with my family. I didn’t have clear days “off” or clear days “on”. I was flexible for everyone. And I guess trying to please everyone. I felt guilty if I had time off because then I wouldn’t finish my overdue report. I felt guilty if I was working in my study because then I wasn’t spending time with my family. I felt I was letting them down and not being a good Mum.
The outcome was that I felt like I let everyone down in the end, including myself. Because I didn’t really achieve any of my intentions in full. I felt stretched constantly. I have needed longer to catch up on my work. I had less time with my family and felt probably more frustrated by my children interrupting me constantly than if I’d had dedicated time with them. I didn’t feel refreshed going back to work as I haven’t really had a proper break.
And whilst I have, finally, got things back on track, I have been reflecting more on boundaries again lately because this is an issue that just keeps showing up in my life. You see the scenario above is me setting boundaries for myself and me following those or enacting those. And that’s hard for sure. I know that I’m tough on myself, sometimes tougher than a boss would be. But I also know that I don’t really have anyone else to blame in this instance. I can and will learn from this and grow from this. I think what can be harder at times, is setting up boundaries and holding to these in other circumstances such as with an employer or with colleagues. It might be different for different people I guess, how far we go with boundaries, the types of boundaries we set and how firmly we hold them.
Broadly speaking researchers talk about boundaries as being
- Permeable or porous
- Boundary is present but there’s little reinforcement of the boundary
- Rigid
- Boundary that is reinforced at all costs
- Flexible
- Firm boundary that is clear and clearly communicated by may also be open to negotiation.
You can see from this, that my boundaries in January were super porous; even if I’d set them, I wasn’t reinforcing them. And it can be the same for other situations. I have a clear idea in my head that I want to “leave work at work” and that I don’t want to work more than 1 day on a weekend. But in some of my work, particularly for an employer, I have found myself working virtually non stop for 10 + days to get something up to meet a deadline. And there were other people in this situation who had the same deadline and their own tasks to do and I suppose I thought that they’d be the same as me- working non-stop to get it done on time. Except they didn’t… They didn’t work all weekend to meet the deadline. They prioritised one part of their work and decided the other part could wait. They prioritised their family and their well-being. And I was…
FURIOUS!
Angry and frustrated that I couldn’t/didn’t/wasn’t able to hold the same boundary. Angry and resentful that they were somehow allowed to set their priorities when I wasn’t. Angry that my boundaries had been “stomped over”. Frustrated because it felt like I wasn’t able to have the boundaries that I wanted to have and that people felt OK to disrespect me and those boundaries. I felt very frustrated with my workplace and employer as well as my colleagues and I felt resentful. There was a part of me that also felt a bit frustrated, because this is not the first time this has happened. I will also say that in the particular week this happened, it also wasn’t the only time I felt like my boundaries were violated. My default inner self critic (who always has an opinion!) started a dialogue for me about what was wrong in me that meant I constantly had my boundaries disrespected.
My reflection is that I think I’m naturally quite a flexible person and I want to help and contribute. I don’t like being or feeling that I’m being “difficult”. And it’s hard for me to set boundaries (having been boundary-less in a number of my work roles!). I think I do have to remember that not everyone actually knows that setting boundaries is hard for me. I think I need to make sure that I’m communicating my boundaries clearly. But mostly, I’ve been thinking that I need to be more assertive with holding my boundaries. I think I might set them, rarely communicate them and then crumble at the first sign of push back! I know I sometimes still doubt my own boundaries and some of my personal barriers to holding firm and saying no include
- Feeling like I’m being “difficult” or selfish.
- Feeling like I have to do a particular thing because I feel obligated or it feels like the “right thing to do” or I feel like “no one else will do it”
- Not wanting to let others down or burden other people
- Wanting people to like me and think I’m a good worker (and a good OT/person)
- Worrying that I’m not working hard enough (or haven’t been productive enough) so I have to do more or work longer or later (but also I never feel like I’ve done enough)
When I work with mentees around boundaries, I often ask the questions
- What needs to be protected?
- What needs to be restored?
This can help us work out where the line is in terms of a boundary because a boundary, like a property line, keeps some things out and keeps some things in for safety. But I recently saw this video online where they said that a boundary is something we do where the other person doesn’t have to do anything i.e. a boundary someone might set could be that in arguments they will not tolerate insults. Therefore if the other person uses an insult then the person with that boundary will leave the room. It isn’t forcing the other person to not use insults- they still have a choice. However, it is a clear emotional and intellectual boundary. See this neat clip for details.
I just dont think I’ve got this right before because I think sometimes that I feel like boundaries are about other people, not about me. So my boundary is that I don’t want to work late or work out of hours but I actually think that it’s that I don’t want be asked to stay back at work or do work on weekends. But that’s not a boundary. Because other people are free to ask me that. I’m free to decline. And if my boundary is an action i.e. something I do, then I need to rethink this. My boundary becomes I don’t work on weekends or after hours. If there is a project with a deadline that I wont be able to meet without working after hours or on weekends then I will need to let my team know that I cannot meet the deadline (this is my action that I do). That’s not being rude or impolite. It’s being clear. What happens then is up to the team. Do others take on more work? Do we communicate with the department who set the deadline that we wont have everything available by then but we will have x amount?
In that scenario above, my instinct would always be to crumble the boundary. To give in and to just take it all on. I often think I sacrifice myself or use myself (my time, my effort, my knowledge, my exhaustion) as the solution to problems because this has been a lifelong default of mine and I am not consistently assertive enough with my boundaries to hold on to them to protect myself and my well-being.
It’s funny because I once expressed to my mother that I’d seen a psychologist who felt I needed to be more assertive. My mum was shocked and surprised because she felt like this was definitely not a difficult area for me! However, I think that I can be good at being assertive, clear and direct with my family. I know they will love me anyway and it’s a safe place to set boundaries for my time and what I will/wont discuss or share (like politics with my Dad). But I think this is harder in other contexts. I find it harder with employers because I think my underlying learning from many years was that bosses were scary, mean and tough and you had to do everything they said or you will get yelled at or not get given any shifts (I spent my formative early working years as a casual at a supermarket). I also think that because work, for me, is so tied to financial stability and security it has historically meant that I have felt that I’ve needed to make myself invaluable and therefore I’ve accepted situations that weren’t aligned with my values and I’ve allowed my boundaries to be crossed multiple times- or given up setting any boundaries in the first place! I spent a number of years in my OT career working in private practice with a billable target; which was often difficult to meet no matter what I did or how hard I worked. So in a people pleaser like me, that created an employee who lacked boundaries between work time and home life as I often needed to work after hours or on weekends to catch up on billing. I worked for employers where there was constant drama, change and pressure, so I grew to become hyper alert and sensitive to the atmosphere and culture and again, to work hard and do all the right things so the drama and pressure, mostly stayed away from being about me. And when I tried to enact boundaries in these workplaces (believe me, I did attempt a few times) I was never very successful. So I think that just reinforced this rather boundary-less work-life balance situation.
Things shifted for me when I had children because the value and meaning for family outweighs work infinitely and so there are some boundaries I have implemented no matter how hard they have been. And that has not been easy. My own burnout experience also meant that I have, after 40 years of my life, learnt the benefit of boundaries and how they can serve me so well in terms of self care and well-being. And I think I’ve got more boundaries in place than I ever have before!
I just think my goal currently has to be about how to maintain and hold those boundaries more firmly. And that’s about practicing assertiveness more effectively. Because if the boundary is worth setting, then it’s worth holding that line… So this is something I’ve got to work on somehow. Perhaps there’s a reflection in here about valuing myself (time and energy) as much as my family so I am worthy enough of boundaries for me…
In the meantime, leaving this thought here…
