I’m sure you’ve seen the whole “new year, new you” kind of marketing and hopefully, you have rejected that as being entirely unhelpful and unrealistic. But there’s another kind of expression which is subtler but also one that I have consistently struggled with; and that is the idea that we need to be or should be trying to be the “best version” of ourselves. I think this comes up in the new year when we start to set goals because we may be setting them with this intention in the back of our mind.
The concept of being the best version of yourself has been around for a while. I’ve heard it from a couple of life coaches I’ve worked with in the past and when I worked with someone when I was trying to lose weight. It’s even been in the OT world as Dylan Alcott presented a keynote at the 2020 OT Exchange that was entitled “Becoming the Best Version of Yourself”.
And I know I have friends that really have this as a guiding principle and you might be reading this, and be like “What is your problem, Nicole?!”. Because it sounds like a really good thing. And truthfully, it’s taken a long time for me to put my finger on why exactly I have a problem with this phrase. After all, I have a strong growth mindset, love learning and value personal growth. I have felt like my purpose as an OT, mentor, educator and supervisor has often been to help individuals to maximise their potential personally and professionally. So that seems like a natural fit with being the best version of ourselves, right? Why else are we striving to learn as much as we can and to grow our skills and abilities if not to be the best version of ourselves?
But the phrase has long given me the ick. And I’ve finally been able to kind of drill down into what exactly I think it is that I don’t like. In summary,
- I dislike the inevitable “to do” list that comes with being the best version of ourselves
- Being the “best” has links to perfectionism and perpetual self-improvement, rather than self-compassion and acceptance of imperfection
- “Versions” of ourselves can be problematic potentially for authenticity and wholeness
I think that a key part of my difficulty with the expression about being “the best” version of ourselves relates to perfectionism. I call myself a recovering perfectionist (and people pleaser) and even having a goal or intention about being “the best” taps into that perfectionism and working really hard at improving myself. In the experiences I’ve had where I’ve been coached or encouraged to be the “best version of myself”, it feels like it’s come with a hefty dose of “shoulds” (all the things I should be doing to achieve this goal) and consequently, a long to do list of goals and subgoals. Like to be the best version of myself, I need to sleep well so that means I need to exercise, eat well, leave work on time, not go on my phone late at night, get to bed early and so on… These are all good things, of course. But they’re not always realistic for me everyday and in the complexity of life. And so then if I don’t do them, then I’m not able to be the best version of myself and then somehow, I’ve failed at what… being myself? Being the best at being myself? I’ve failed my very identity somehow? That’s a whole new level of failure and self-criticism that I’ve unlocked!
I know this is never the intention behind the expression or the encouragement to be the best version of ourselves; but for those of us who have perfectionistic tendencies and a highly developed self-critic (which tends to go hand in hand with perfectionism) this isn’t a stretch for us to end up spiralling into when we cannot sustain the tasks we think we need to do in order to be the best version of ourselves.
And then the other key part of this expression is about “versions” of ourselves. When I think about versions, I think about software, right? And I totally get this as a kind of analogy. I’m a Millennial so I’ve been using computers since I was a kid. I’ve seen all the versions of Windows! I’m also an Apple user so I’m super familiar with the need for iOS updates and application updates on my phone and iPad. And each update is a new version, right? And they explain the benefits of each update and new version. They’ve fixed bugs or issues. They’ve improved safety and security. Or they’ve added new features.
But essentially, it’s a linear process, right. Each version is an improvement on the last. It’s faster, more secure, better. Occasionally, there’s glitches to this where an intended improvement hasn’t worked out or where an “improvement” hasn’t been well received. Maybe features were removed or visuals were reformatted and you wanted the old version back- but often you couldn’t! Or life just moved on. I loved Windows 98 because I was so familiar with that and for a while with new versions of Windows I would make the settings look like Windows 98 to help me navigate this new version of Windows. Until of course, you couldn’t do that anymore and I was forced to use the new look versions.
I feel like this analogy kind of works for us as humans from a development perspective e.g. from childhood to adulthood. Like maybe adolescence is like Windows Vista or ME and is super glitchy and best forgotten about but necessary for growth!
But once we’ve reached adulthood, I think this becomes more problematic and harder for us. We talk about being the best version of ourselves as if our current version isn’t good enough. As if we need to continually improve, fix the bugs, be more efficient, be better and work more effectively for more people. But I don’t think this is ever a linear process for humans. I also don’t know that we ever become a particular version at any one time. I think there are multiple versions of ourselves or different versions for different settings. I don’t think we are one version, continuously updating or in need of updating. I do think we are a whole, complete, complex human being.
When I reflect on this for myself, I’m Nicole and I’m a “version” of myself as a mother, as a wife, as a sister, as a daughter and as an OT, OT mentor and supervisor and as a University lecturer. And I’m at different states of progress or effectiveness in these roles whether I’m focused on that or actively working towards that or not. But you see, all of the “versions” are still me. They are part of me. They are different aspects of me, and I show up in different ways, but they are still me.
I also think that one of my issues with the “best version” is around authenticity. Because if I’m being the “best version” then is this for me? Or for others? Or both? And to be the best version, am I masking? Hiding how I really feel? Acting in a particular way that is socially acceptable or pleasing to others? Because probably the best version of Nicole doesn’t argue with her family at Christmas. And isn’t overstimulated and frustrated by her children! But that isn’t always real. That might not be the best version of myself but it’s real. And I need to love and take care of that part of myself as much as the other parts. Because I’m human, I’m real and I’m not perfect. I also think self love is a super-power and loving ourselves with our imperfections is something I’ve worked on for so many years (see https://encourageot.com/2023/05/27/self-love-is-a-superpower/ and https://encourageot.com/2024/09/03/being-a-good-enough-ot/).
So I guess, in this season of reflection on the past year and in setting goals or intentions for the new year, my encouragement is this:
- Be gentle and kind to yourself in the process. When we reflect, we often look at the “gap” between where we are and where we want to be which can keep us always striving for self-improvement and blinded to the progress we’ve made (see https://encourageot.com/2023/12/20/tired-but-not-burnt-out/ for more about The Gap and The Gain by Dan Sullivan).
- Recognise and celebrate successes and wins no matter how small or how big. Be proud of these and of yourself.
- Consider any goal setting or intention setting for yourself in a new light, in the spirit of gentleness, kindness and self-compassion more so than self-improvement, perfectionism or being the best. Growth can still happen without striving and placing excessive demands on ourselves. It’s not about staying still or stagnating but it’s about personal and professional growth in the spirit of kindness and compassion for who we are and the reality of the world we live in; which can be messy and complex. Self-compassion means accepting our humanness and imperfections as part of ourselves and treating ourselves warmly and kindly regardless. You can create vision boards or ideas for who you want to be and how you want things to go without being rigid with SMART goals (unless, of course these are helpful for you!).
- Goals and intentions set in this light might look like
- Planning to be kinder and less critical of yourself
- Showing up authentically
- Working less
- Working more in line with your values
- Connecting with others
- Refining and creating a niche area of practice
- Setting clear boundaries for your time and energy
These can seem wishy washy if you’re really practically minded and it might take some time and effort still to look at what needs to happen practically put these intentions in to action. It may be around focusing on connection more than professional development through programs like The Becoming Collective. It may be looking at ways to improve regulation and manage stress (e.g. through connection with nature). It may be working with a mentor or accountability partner to do less and not more. One of the key things I work on with my mentor is recognising when I’ve said yes to too many things and making plans for getting more help in the really busy periods in my life.
I think it’s also important that we set goals or intentions that take into account the realities of life and the barriers to achieving goals. Aspirational goals can be really effective because we can achieve lots, whilst falling short of the aspiration, but I also think we can struggle to recognise success in these instances. So it can be helpful to set the aspiration, but keep in mind the markers for celebration of success along the way and to enjoy the journey as well as the end point. It can also be really helpful to look at the things that can impact your progress and derail you, and to have a plan for these instances. Because that will definitely happen. And success with achieving goals or intentions, means that sometimes we might need to set the bar a bit lower or plan for the times when we might not be able to achieve our ultimate goal. So for me, this looks like, having the goal and intention of wanting to exercise every single day and ideally this would be a decent 30 minute walk or a good 1 hour swim in the pool. But knowing that there are days when it all goes awry, means I will also just accept that 10 minutes on my walking pad will be all I can manage or swimming half as many laps as usual is all I can achieve. And having the walking pad, removed the barrier of hot/cold weather and meant I could do something rather than nothing. This means that I can be kind to myself and still make some progress, even if it’s slower than I intended. And even with this, there are days I don’t exercise because sometimes that just happens. But setting the aspiration high but the bar low, means I can get back on track the next day. Not perfectly but still heading in the right direction. Progress over perfection!
And of course, if none of this resonates with you, that’s totally fine! Traditional goal setting still has its place of course and I love working with therapists who are super clear on what they want to achieve. But if you’re feeling a little stuck and would like to join me in a gentle 2026, with less burnout and with more self-compassion, then please reach out as I’d love to support you with this.
But truly, more than anything, I wish for you and all the health professionals I work with, a peaceful, kind and productive 2026.
Happy New Year!
