I’m tired.
Like really tired.
It’s not exactly earth shattering news, is it? I think a lot of people are really tired at this point of the year. It has been A Year.
I feel since Covid-19 entered our lives things have become more complex somehow. Even now, 3 years on. I’m tired of Covid existing and not going away and disrupting plans and causing anxiety and distress. I have close relatives who I would typically see at Christmas and for whom Covid could be very serious (and potentially life ending) and there is Covid within my family at the moment which may impact our ability to all be together. I’m tired of thinking about it and planning for it or having to change plans for this disease. It’s frustrating and I’m done with it.
But it’s not just Covid-19 fatigue. There’s the Christmas season itself with all the extra everything that Christmas brings. Extra opportunities for family gatherings or Christmas drinks or parties with friends and colleagues which is wonderful but you know… tiring if you’re an introvert like me! And not to mention the mental load of present buying and food shopping and Christmas decorating and managing finances and a small business through the holiday season… It’s just A LOT. It has been said that Christmas magic is on the back of women’s labour and I think that is really true for so many of us. And when life is pretty tight with no margins to take on much more at times, then the load can feel particularly heavy.
And then for me, November is always my busiest month in my university job with marking assignments which frankly, is not my favourite aspect of the role and can be repetitive and even tedious at times. As someone that thrives on creativity and novelty, marking season can be a cognitive challenge to remain focussed and to make a thousand tiny decisions to grade a paper effectively. So I’m tired from my November work and there’s also been lots of work to finish for clients and all the things I’m trying to do in my business.
And so I feel tired. But it’s also a good kind of tired in a way too. Like when you’ve gone for a long run or something and you’re tired- but it’s a good tired. I feel kind of like that. I’m proud of the things I’ve done this year. It has been a big year and I’ve achieved a lot. We recently had a Christmas catch up in the business group I’m part of and Amy talked about The Gap and the Gain book and how important it is to measure the gain, the improvements, the things that you’ve achieved; even if there’s still a gap between where you are now and your goals. When I reflect on the year, I can really see that there has been so many gains, even if I didn’t achieve some of the goals I talked about in my end of year blog last year!
When I look at some of those gains, I feel that “good tired” feeling of achievement this year and that tiredness is recoverable. It’s still real and can still be a lot but I am confident in my ability to bounce back after a time of rest. I’m tired but I’m not so overwhelmingly tired that I cannot function or cannot enjoy myself this holiday season. I’m not dreading my work next year; in fact I feel positive and excited about it. It’s good tired.
I know that I’m not alone in my tiredness and I know that there are so many other therapists and people out there that are not good tired. They’re exhausted and bone numbingly, mind achingly tired. Life feels like wading through a thick swamp. I know some OTs are feeling worn down by life and work and the systems, processes and schemes they might be working in (like NDIS). Some therapists also experience an overlay of pessimism or cynicism that anything will change or things might get better. Some of the OTs I mentor feel disconnected or distant from work or even from themselves and who they are. They’re doubting themselves as a therapist and whether anything they do makes any difference and they’re feeling like crap OTs. I know this because I met with one of the best OTs I’ve ever worked with during the week this week and she is feeling like she maybe doesn’t want to be an OT anymore because she feels like she’s lost her passion for the profession, doubting if she ever had it in the first place and feeling like she is not a good OT anyway (so she thinks she wouldn’t be a loss to the profession).
This is burnout. Fatigue, depersonalisation (or cynicism) and reduced personal accomplishment are the key features of burnout. I know this from my research and from my own experiences. And burnout is an awful experience. To doubt yourself and your work, when perhaps previously you felt valued and like you were making a difference. Feeling like you’re going through the motions. Feeling like nothing is worthwhile and there’s no point to any of it. And feeling utterly exhausted and dreading going to work each day. And sometimes feeling really deeply ashamed of that. I remember supervising a young therapist at my work, when I was struggling in the midst of my burnout, and feeling like the biggest fraud. Here I was, supporting and encouraging an OT and to apply for a permanent job in the organisation, when I barely felt like I believed in OT at all. And to feel lost and stuck with where to go and what to do when I had spent so much time and effort to become an OT and had worked hard to grow and hone my skills through further study and professional development. I felt like there was no way out and I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that I knew, was that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing because the effect of maintaining some level of “togetherness” at work was exhausting me further and the fatigue, distance and self doubt were starting to impact who I was at home as well as at work. I didn’t talk to a lot of people about my feelings at the time (except for my poor personal trainer who listened to a lot of my complaints) because I didn’t even really know or understand what it was that I was experiencing. It wasn’t until I was doing an art therapy session when the therapist tentatively suggested that perhaps I was burn out, that things started to come together for me. I realised that what I was feeling had a name (and wasn’t reserved only for old therapists stuck in the same job for 50 years) and was a common experience. And as a full blown nerd, if you give me a topic, I will research it- because I have to understand! If I understand, then I can do something, So if it was burnout that I was going through, then that meant I would need to know everything about burnout. And so I read everything I could. I researched it. I did burnout questionnaires and I read articles about burnout. I did courses and got a burnout journal. It was reassuring to realise that I was not alone in my experiences and it helped me understand how I came to be burnt out as a therapist. And look all my reading and research and reflection, did not cure me of burnout. That was a long slow process that involved me making a number of key decisions in designing my work and career, self reflection and working with a therapist and making time and space to do things differently including actually resting and actually engaging in meaningful self care. I think burnout can sometimes rear its ugly head again at times for me but I’m now capable of being able to know what it is and when it might be coming, to be curious about it and gentle with myself and to stay on track. So that I don’t spiral in to burnout land again. This is how I know that I’m tired now and can be proactive about managing this and can prevent myself crashing in to burnout right before Christmas as I’ve done in previous years!
And so, I wonder, if you’re feeling tired at this time of year, whether you could also reflect on what you can do to recharge yourself through the holidays or what small changes you could make for life to feel a little lighter and a little easier next year. Maybe you can give yourself permission to truly rest over this holiday period. To say No to things you don’t want to do. To spend some more time in nature. To catch up with a friend for a meaningful chat. To walk the dog at the beach. Whatever helps connect you back to you, brings you rest and relaxation and reminds you of what you enjoy about your work.
And if you’re burnt out, then please, consider my course launching on January 1st called Restore, Refresh and Revive which is all about burnout recovery for OTs. I have poured all of my reading, research, knowledge and personal experience around burnout in to designing a course which I really hope and believe will help set you up for a wonderful 2024. It’s my belief that rest alone cannot cure burnout and if we rest but dont make changes, then we will find ourselves very quickly back in a burnt out state, feeling even more stress. Click here to learn more about the course.
And in the meantime, tired, burnt out or not, I wish you a wonderful Christmas and New Years!
