I feel like every blog post starts with an apology or some kind of confession and over share about an issue in my life and so I spend hours working out how to start off the post more professionally, with then limited success! And after all, I value transparency and authenticity so I guess I shouldn’t fuss too much… but well, I do. Sigh… sometimes I really do annoy myself and honestly, that’s the theme of today’s post really! I’ve had a big month in August. Really pretty huge in terms of workload and demands on my time. Of course, having said that, I immediately want to correct it, take that back, minimise how big it has been… because I feel like maybe it hasn’t really been that big and maybe I have had bigger months and even if we say it has been a big month, maybe it shouldn’t have been or felt as big as it did… etc etc… But let’s just say; it has been a month with high demands on my time and I have felt very stressed and pressured.
I notice that in these situations, that consistent patterns of behaviour rear their ugly head again. And perhaps, these patterns of behaviour may indeed have been part of the cause of my busy, big month. Namely, the difficulty I have in saying “No”.
It doesn’t seem to matter that I know this about myself and call myself a recovering people pleaser, this remains a consistent issue that shows up in my life on multiple occasions and in multiple different ways. And it’s really frustrating. Because just when I think I’m doing well, it shows up again in another disruptive and frustrating way. And it’s not just the difficulty saying “No”, it’s about saying “Yes” but not my Best Yes.
So saying “Yes” but with no boundaries. A reluctant Yes. I do this because I feel obliged to do something, like I should do something, it’s the right thing to do or I feel like I’m the only one that can do a particular thing or my particular skill set is really needed for this client or that task. I do it because I feel bad for saying no; I hate letting people down. Sometimes I do this because I think I’m unrealistic about what I can feasibly manage within my time; I really do struggle to understand what I can actually do with my time. Sometimes I do this because… well… I want to. I want to do things… all the things, all the time! Sometimes I do this because I feel that the only way I can make something happen that I think is important or necessary is to overcommit; to kind of offer myself up, almost like some sort of sacrifice!
This last month, I had a particular work situation that I needed to sort out and make happen and the only way I could think to make it work, was to offer above and beyond what I could truly manage and take on additional responsibilities. I offered and promised something technically possible but not really and truly realistically feasible; I offered myself up. I overcommitted. I live my life with minimal buffer zones at the best of times but when I deliberately do this, of course it puts pressure on myself but I ignore and minimise that and just take it all on.
I am innately and deeply self reliant so in addition to not saying no, I struggle to ask for help. This collectively creates a perfect storm of over commitment and stress. And this then has a ripple effect far and wide. Because I overcommitted to one thing, it meant that I couldn’t meet with my team, which then means they got themselves tangled up and anxious about something, even though it was actually all going to be OK; but they didn’t know that because I couldn’t be there to talk them through things. It also meant that at several points, I was effectively supposed to be in 3 places at the one time. It meant I ran late for something, minimising the time available to spend with someone I was supervising but then I felt bad about that so I met with them for longer, which then meant I had minimal time with my team again. I committed to collecting resources from somewhere and meeting with someone at that site but I didn’t set boundaries for that meeting which then had me running late for another commitment and another one, meaning I missed a deadline I’d promised and effectively I let multiple people down! Does it sound stressful? It felt stressful. And this is just a few examples from one particularly bad week in the middle of last month.
And all because I didn’t say no to anybody; I said ½ yes-es to everybody. Nobody got my “Best Yes” and nobody really got what they needed. And while I’m trying to please everybody, instead I actually please nobody. By not saying no or being clear about my boundaries and what I can and cant do, I end up making nobody happy or satisfied with what I’ve delivered. Not to mention the toll that this takes on me personally. I’m over here tying myself up in knots trying to be something for everybody but being nothing effective for anybody. There’s a lot of emotional (and physical) energy it depletes from me to live my life like this when I do know that it would just be simpler to say yes or no. Honestly, I know that this has been a big contributor to burnout over the years and I caught myself heading in to the burnout space yet again because of my commitments this last month (see https://www.instagram.com/reel/ChPTr8NJ6EH/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link for my self care checklist that I had to implement to catch myself before I crumpled in to a heap).
I truly hate over promising and under delivering. It is a profoundly dissatisfying way to live. And it’s such a catch 22 because I get in to this very habit, this pattern of saying yes or not saying no, because I don’t want to let people down. When in fact by overcommitting, I end up letting people down anyway! Ultimately, I know that this is what I need to remember: that as uncomfortable as it is to say no and to feel like I’m letting people down, it is also uncomfortable when I say yes and then disappoint people because of how I’ve delivered that “yes”. Because delivering a frazzled, running late, slapdash, stressed “Yes” isn’t quite the same thing as an enthusiastic, “Yes, I have capacity to do that and I’m confident I can deliver a great outcome for you”.
So that’s the lesson to learn and to remember, over and over again. Say No. Say Yes, and make sure it’s my Best Yes. Set boundaries. Live with discomfort. Be kind to myself; knowing that self awareness is the first step and the more I practice my “No” and my “Yes”, the better I will get.
