I describe myself generally as a ‘recovering’ people pleaser and perfectionist because for me these traits are ones I still struggle with frequently despite knowing how unhelpful they are in my life. These days I’m aware that realistically I cannot achieve perfection. But sometimes, despite cognitively knowing this, I think I still sort of wish it was possible. My desire is often to still try to deliver the perfect outcome (the perfect online course, the perfect workshop, the perfect report). I can accept that this is futile and not possible. Trying to achieve perfection is exhausting. I also know that my habit of perfectionism means that I can be highly critical of myself when I make mistakes or don’t live up to my standards or expectations. I have been working hard to observe imperfections and let them be. I try hard to be kind to myself and to reduce self criticism when something I do is not perfect; because I know, I really do know, that perfection is not possible. See here for some of my previous reflections about perfection and progress to self love!
But what I still struggle with is where the line of achievement or success actually is. So if I cant achieve perfection, that’s fine. But what is “good”? Or “good enough”?
If I’m not aiming for perfect… or if I’m aiming for perfect but accepting that it cant happen… then where is the “not perfect but still really good” line?
How much do I lower my expectations?
Because I don’t want to do average work but if the goal isn’t perfection how do I know what is acceptable? For me? For the client? I feel like I don’t quite know where this point actually is!
I don’t think I’m alone in having difficulty working this out.
In one of my OT mentoring sessions the other week I met with a lovely passionate and caring OT who described feeling burnt out. One of their biggest concerns was that they weren’t achieving a particular level of performance that they expected of themselves. As they spoke, I reflected that I felt they were being really self-critical because it was my perception that their expectations for their performance as an OT, manager and business owner were sky high and that they were demanding perfection of themselves when actually the things they were still doing and delivering in their role were fantastic and were more than enough.
But I’ve got to admit, I totally identified with this OT. I have fully been there. I made a mistake the other week (look I probably make lots of mistakes but this was a distinct and obvious one!) and I’m having a really hard time getting over it and getting past it. I keep playing the situation over in my head and trying to think of ways it could have been prevented or managed better. I am actively trying not to let myself go down a shame spiral in to this mistake defining me as a “bad therapist”. But I think it’s hard when we have perfectionistic tendencies to accept less than our absolute best at all times.
It can be hard sometimes to get a sense of pride or achievement or to accept positive feedback about something that we can still see is not perfect (including ourselves). Because we can see the flaws and we may still feel embarrassed or ashamed by them.
It’s a bit like my cake decorating endeavours. I enjoy decorating cakes for my friends or family. I’ve done some training (a long time ago now!) but I’m not a professional by any stretch of the imagination. I have accepted that no matter how hard I try, my cakes are not going to be perfect and are never going to look like the Pinterest post I got the inspiration from or the image I have in my head. And that’s OK. Many times I’m just happy they’re finished and look close enough to what I was trying to achieve. But it’s still really really hard for me to accept compliments about my cakes. And I find myself pointing out the flaws to others, sometimes unconsciously to get ahead of any criticism. Or I find myself downplaying the effort and describing the “hacks” I use to achieve an outcome. I think this comes feeling like I haven’t achieved perfection so not being willing to accept compliments for less than that- even though I do know I cant achieve perfection!
I think some of the challenges with accepting less than perfection from ourselves, comes from having a picture in our mind of what a “good OT”, “good supervisor” or “good business owner” looks like. We may have a version of these mythical creatures in our mind that do all sorts of things like
- Achieve their billing target consistently every week
- Always get their notes done on time in perfect SOAP format
- Are endlessly patient with demanding families
- Reply to emails within 24 hours
I think I sometimes then compare myself to this ideal person and of course, I fall short because they don’t exist! And again, I know that but I don’t know what a “good enough” OT, supervisor or business owner actually looks like.
This has been addressed in the parenting sphere where the concept of “good enough” parenting is actively encouraged (https://panda.org.au/articles/good-enough-parenting/). This emphasises that it is important to take care of ourselves as well as a baby’s needs and describes that “good enough parenting” is actually great parenting!
I don’t have the answers, but I do wonder what “good enough” OT-ing would look like? Where we are empathetic and responsive to our patients without over giving or over caring and wearing ourselves out. Where we don’t strive for perfection or beat ourselves up if we make a mistake. And where we take care of ourselves as much as our clients and our team.
What would that look like? And if you’re a recovering perfectionist like me, how might that change your practice and your experience of OT?
Would love to hear from you if this resonated with you too and if you need support to embrace your less than perfect self!
