I’ve been really stressed lately. I hate admitting this because I talk and write about burnout and excessively high levels of stress are a key contributor to burnout; although not the only factor because stress and burnout are complex constructs. It’s not just the experience of stress, it’s our stress response and our management strategies. So when our stress and/or workload seems out of our control, our response to this is within our control. Or is it? It’s so rational and logical to say that our stress response is within our control and if we just do x, y and z, we can calmly navigate the most overwhelming of situations successfully, without a hint or possibility of burnout. I’m not sure about other people, but I sure as heck don’t have my act together enough for this to be the case all the time. I know an awful lot about burnout and stress and I have an enormous amount of resources, knowledge, tools and strategies I can implement. Plus, I’ve been in this situation before numerous times and survived, so I know I’m resilient and I can make it through. But in the depths of it, it can still feel enormous and overwhelming and unpleasant and just too much.
Neuroscience informs us that neurons that fire together, wire together. Our brains have learned responses to situations; an automatic pathway that they follow that is built by repetition and past experiences. These responses can run before our conscious mind is even aware of it. For me, I will say that I was conscious of my stress levels and I was doing everything I could think of to do to manage that load. But of course, we probably don’t all think clearly when we’re under that much pressure. It becomes about survival. The world is spinning and you just want to find a way to get off or a corner that is quieter and calmer to wait to get your bearings. For me, I used all my strategies, all my resources; every internal and external resource I could think of. But it was just A LOT. And I did fall in to previous patterns of coping, to varying degrees of success. Many of these patterns do not serve me well (e.g. eating large quantities of chocolate). But it can be hard to see another way and break these; without requiring further cognitive resources that I felt I just did not have. I think one of the hardest parts in the depths of the load was when I couldn’t relax because I had the weight of my work hanging over me, but I couldn’t do the work because I couldn’t concentrate because I was so wound up. I couldn’t enjoy anything (and didn’t feel I deserved to do anything enjoyable until the work was completed) and I couldn’t seem to get the work actually done. It felt like I might be more efficient if I took a break and did something fun, but I couldn’t take a break without feeling guilty and nothing felt like fun. I’m sure I sound like I am a mad woman; I felt like one!
I think the hardest thing is that it has all been largely out of my control. My workload for September was enormous and extremely overwhelming and beyond what I could realistically manage. And this workload was not for my private work (which I can control to some degree) but in another work role I have so for once, I couldn’t blame myself entirely; which was both a relief and a frustration. A complicating factor was that the things I needed to do, that I was overloaded with, were things I considered important. I didn’t want to cut back the time I spent doing it to just get it done. I wanted to do it well, that was important to me. I’ve been criticised in the past and know it of myself, that I am a perfectionist and that can mean that I have difficulty finishing things because it needs to be done perfectly. I felt like I had already lowered my standards and expectations of myself; I didn’t want to lower them more. I had asked for help (something ridiculously hard for me to do) and had received some help, which was so needed and which I was so grateful for, but there was still a lot on me. It was just one of those months.
What I can say is that I know these times will come in life and I am not a fan of toxic positivity and pretending that I’m fine and it was fine; so that’s where this post is coming from. It was and has been hard. And I am glad that it is over. What I am grateful for, more than anything, is the people that came alongside me during this time. That listened, held space, validated my feelings and offered a kind word. This is what was needed (see the pic above for a SMS I got last week which was an absolute bright spot). This is what got me though. EncourageOT is the name of my business for a reason. It might not be a lot and it might not be enough. But being there, offering support and kindness and encouragement is something. And that something might just be enough to see you through. If you need that from me, I’m here. And it’s not too much for me; honestly, helping others gets me out of my own head! And I wont tell you to “just stay positive” or “everything happens for a reason”. I’ll buy you a coffee/tea/hot chocolate, pass you tissues if you need them and mostly, listen and remind you that you’re not alone.
