One of my favourite children’s books is a gorgeous picture book called Strictly No Elephants. It tells the story of a little boy who has a pet elephant who he is great friends with and how they are looking forward to going to Pet Club day. However, when they get to the house where Pet Club is there is a sign on the door that says “Strictly No Elephants” which is pointed out to them by a girl with a mean face. So they leave, feeling very disappointed. They end up sitting next to a little girl on a park bench who has a pet skunk and also says that they didn’t want her there either. Ultimately, they decide to create their own Pet Club and at the end they show their cubby house hosting Pet Club with a sign that says “All Welcome”. And on the last page the little girl who pointed at the Strictly No Elephants sign is shown looking in to the rest of the bustling Pet Club with a large group of kids playing with their pets.
Its pretty transparent that the message or the moral of the story is around being inclusive and welcoming; it’s done in a beautiful, gentle way and illustrated with some great pictures. There’s actually some lovely messages of friendship in the book too between how the elephant and the little boy help and support each other, especially when they are sad.
I think what strikes me when I reflect on this book, is a couple of thoughts and a whole lot of questions that it raises for me…
- Being excluded can be as tangible as a specific sign or rules that are explicit and clear. However, it can also be more subtle; like the little girl with the skunk who knew that she also wasn’t welcome. The sign might not have said “no skunks” but she had a distinct experience of also not being wanted. I wonder how subtle they were; did they let the girl with the skunk in but then were rude to her or ignored her? Did they whisper about her and the skunk? Did they pretend to be nice to her but barely tolerated her?
- I wonder how did that little girl become aware that she wasn’t wanted? Ultimately, it hurts to be excluded and left out, to be made to feel unwelcome and unwanted. But I suppose, having felt like this myself, I have wondered before (for so long), was it me? What did I do wrong? What, metaphorically speaking, was my skunk? What is it about me that meant I didn’t fit and didn’t belong? We assume in this story that it’s obvious, because skunks can smell, but we don’t know for sure that’s the reason. And why should it matter? Plenty of pets smell, so what was it about the skunk?! I think that is how I’ve felt in places where I’ve not felt truly a part of or truly welcomed and included; was it me? Was it them? I wonder then about this girl and how she came to her realisation that she wasn’t wanted.
- I also wonder why, when and how she chose to leave. I wonder if she tried extra hard to be good and nice and prepared her skunk beforehand to try to somehow ensure they didn’t offend or upset anyone. Maybe she knew about the sign about elephants and worried that would happen to her too so she kept quiet and sprayed her skunk with perfume. I wonder when she decided that belonging to the club was not worth it anymore and I wonder how she felt when she left. I think it’s so crucial to recognise when we are changing ourselves to “fit in”. In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown describes fitting in as becoming who you need to be to be accepted and to make people like you and says that’s the opposite of belonging. She describes that when we work hard to fit in and be accepted our belonging is tenous and risky as we have to maintain the rules of the group to remain a part of it. And more than maintaining the rules of the group, if those in the group don’t know how we really feel, who we really are and what we really believe, then it’s not really belonging and is actually an act of self betrayal. Because true belonging doesn’t require us to change ourselves and is having the courage to be who we really are and thus to both stand alone and be part of something. So our sense of belonging can never be greater than our own level of self acceptance. It’s brave to leave, when you want to be part of something, and I admire that of the little girl from Strictly No Elephants.
- I also wonder about the others in the Pet Club. Do they know about the sign on the door? Maybe they are particularly prejudiced against elephants from a bad experience or maybe they’ve never met an elephant before and are making assumptions about their behaviour. Maybe they pride themselves on excluding pet elephants because they don’t like elephants. Maybe they are being their true selves and that’s how they’ve connected. I think that’s really sad if that’s the case, because what holds a group or community together, should never be shared exclusion of others. That’s real Mean Girls territory; it’s about power and social status and often prejudices as well. And the thing is, this isn’t healthy for those that are ostracising and excluding, as well as those left out (Legate, De Haan & Ryan 2015).
- Or maybe there are others in the Pet Club that don’t even see the sign on the door; because they’ve always been in Pet Club and it doesn’t affect them. Maybe they have common or typical pets and it just doesn’t occur to them that someone might have a pet elephant and want to come to Pet Club. Maybe they’ve never met anyone with a pet elephant before? Is ignorance an excuse for not being inclusive?
- Or maybe (and presumably) it’s less common to have a pet elephant so because it affects only a small minority of people, it’s not seen as a big deal to exclude them. Is the small impact a reason to not be inclusive? For example, the idea that because we include most people but we cant possibly include everybody and have to draw the line somewhere. Do we? Who says?
- Are there people in the club who are aware of the sign and are conscious about the kid with the pet elephant wanting to come. How do they feel about being in the club? Why do they keep going to the club? Is it the only Pet Club around? Do they go but feel guilty the whole time? Or do they try and apologise or explain or reach out to the child with the elephant and defend the position of the club or say they don’t agree with it but continue to attend because it’s convenient and they know everyone there already? Are there those that want to leave but are too scared? Maybe they don’t really know life outside of that Pet Club and don’t know any alternatives. They like Pet Club other that this exclusive thing and it doesn’t directly affect them, they’re sad about the impact on someone else but you know, it’s out of their control and it’s not really up to them so.. you know.. it’s not their fault. Sorry…
I wonder if you can see yourself in any of these scenarios at different times in your life or relate to this in any way? Whether it is from school days and being “in” (or not!) with the popular kids? Or being part of a particular group or not? Perhaps you identify with a minority group. Or perhaps you’ve been part of both sides; a group or situation where you’ve belonged and others where you have not.
For me, personally, I can recall a work setting where I just wasn’t able to be myself and where I constantly felt that my thoughts, beliefs and perspectives were “wrong” and out of place. My personal uniqueness and different perspective and different experiences were not valued or were seen as a negative. I didn’t communicate in the right way or approach things how the organisation wanted me to; no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it right! And so I essentially met Brene Brown’s definition of fitting in; “being somewhere where you want to be, but they don’t care one way or another”. And ultimately, I left that workplace; which was really hard as it was a job I really loved, really wanted and had worked really hard for; but I couldn’t stay when I couldn’t be myself. It was exhausting being hypervigilent constantly!
I’ve also been part of groups that haven’t been inclusive which has made me deeply uncomfortable at times. I’ve justified and defended this in the past to myself and others. Over time, a lot of my beliefs in this deeply personal space have been challenged and deconstructed, which has led me to value the depth and richness of true belonging and inclusion.
One of the things that I think we need to really think about in the health and disability space, is how we create environments and spaces that are truly and genuinely inclusive. This can be physical spaces but can also be the social environment or sensory space; we can exclude others in how events and settings are designed or how people operate within them. Claire, my sister and I, talk about inclusion here in the second episode of our Awkward Sisters podcast called Access all Areas. I think we need to consider this in our physical and social spaces, but also our language (see our episode on this here) and our approach to clients. We need to show and communicate that we are accepting of others’ difference, we value all of those we work with and that we are proactively seeking to be inclusive and welcoming. This can be hard work as we might need to change; we might need to take down those signs we have up, that maybe we didn’t even know we put up! I think it means, for many of us OTs, considerations about decolonialisation of our white practices. It means neuro affirming practices. It means more deeply understanding gender and sexuality. It can be easy to think that we’re there as a profession, because we are holistic and we have values and a Code of Ethics around not discriminating against others; but that isn’t actually the same as inclusion, which is a step or two further. We, as OTs, need to create a space where all our clients can belong and can be accepted because belonging is such a foundational need within all humanity.
I think it also means accepting difference even within the scope of our work as OTs and how we might approach things within our OT approach; be it traditional roles, extended scope, advanced scope or non traditional roles. There’s a place for us all; a place to belong within our profession.
I think there is something about simplicity of the book of Strictly No Elephants that kind of cuts to the chase. Because whilst I have all of these questions and thoughts, the ultimate point I think, is the joy and the sense of peace we feel when we can see that “All are Welcome” at the end. Because I think that speaks to us deeply; to be welcomed, valued, accepted and to belong. And I think if we can create spaces like that for everyone, then we can all feel that sense of joy, peace and satisfaction which in turn creates further opportunities for connection and growth that is potentially transformational. It’s certainly how I try to create the spaces and relationships I create in my mentoring work and I’ve seen first hand how this can help build confidence and growth in therapists I’ve worked with!
If you feel like you need a safe place where you’re welcome to be yourself as a therapist or as a client, feel free to reach out. I love hearing from and connecting with others and you’re definitely welcome to connect with me via my email on my contact page or via the social networks.
References
Brown, B. (2021), Atlas of the Heart, Vermilion, London
Legate, N., DeHaan, C., & Ryan, R. (2015). Righting the Wrong: Reparative Coping After Going Along With Ostracism. The Journal of social psychology, 155(5), 471–482. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2015.1062352
STRICTLY NO ELEPHANTS By Lisa Mantchev Illustrated by Taeeun Yoo 2016 ISBN: 9781481416474 32 pp. Paula Wiseman/Simon & Schuster. $17.99. (Ages 4 to 8) https://www.booktopia.com.au/strictly-no-elephants-lisa-mantchev/book/9781481416474.html
